I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
