well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
someone owes me an orgasm
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
