our cab driver is having phone sex.
high people should be assigned attendants
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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