You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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