This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
