The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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