Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
