This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
