dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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