a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
