a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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