I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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