I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
