im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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