I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
