Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
