You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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