Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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