I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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