what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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