I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
