I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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