If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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