This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
