I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
