she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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