I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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