and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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