i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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