I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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