I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want her autograph on my taint
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
