at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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