people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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