i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
