If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
