Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
