I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
not ubering you a puppy
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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