She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
