I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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