Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
