I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You are a genius and a whore.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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