I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
