Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
