FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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