If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
