if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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