I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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