How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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