I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
