My first STD was from a foam party
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
