Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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