Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I did not marry a roomba.
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