In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
