he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
