Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
