The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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