If i come over, it means nothing
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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