I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
