forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
