i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
