She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize