You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
